Strange self-care

How's everyone feeling? I feel... off

It’s somewhere within the lining of my bag. Rattling around with chewing gum, chalky paracetomol pills and cherry Halls Soothers. It’s so sticky down there, everything is loose and each time I reach inside, scrambling for my missing wireless earbud I feel as lost as it is. As dusty, and sticky as all the other remnants floating about in there. Remnants that scream at me: who are you? What are you even doing?

I’ve been curled up in a ball for a few days. My stomach lining red raw from vomiting, my hair matted and unwashed. At first I thought I was facing the worst two-day hangover of my life and spent much of Sunday and Monday cursing myself for still not learning to just CONTROL MYSELF. But I’ve now concluded I must have caught a bug. Perhaps on that night out. I’m trying to comfort myself that that’s OK. That I can’t help catching bugs, that it’s not a failure on my part. And, even if it were just a bad hangover, that’s OK too - it’s not a sin to go out on a Saturday night and celebrate a friend’s birthday.

I spend a lot of time trying to tell myself I’m OK.

But we live in an age of extreme self-improvement, where articles and books dangle endless energy and happiness, that are all just “one step” away. “Have you tried…” articles pop up endlessly: have you tried yoga, meditation, cold showers, bullet journaling, setting boundaries, sleep hygiene etc etc etc. If I’m tired, or sad, or sick I blame myself. Why don’t I have a ‘that girl’ morning routine that will guide me into happiness and perfect health?

To comfort myself, I turn to the other corner of the internet. The one that goes so hard the other way, where nothing is my fault. It’s my star sign, Mercury in Retrograde, the toxicity of others around me… This was why figuring out that my illness this week was a bug helped me. I could lighten up on the blame on myself.

But the truth is, it’s not just the vomiting that’s left me curled in a ball, feeling like that missing earbud. I’ve felt like this for weeks, lost and tired and lacking enthusiasm but plastering it on, in carefully curated outfits and fake smiles. I keep looking for either answers - simple ones that are easily solved (have I tried yoga, meditation, cold showers, bullet journaling, setting boundaries, sleep hygiene…) or something, other than my hateful self, to blame. But, this morning, feeling brighter I realised: maybe I should stop searching for a cause and a solution altogether.

I should just accept that, much like with long-term grief (and I don’t actually think how I’m feeling is related to my grief… oh wait, I’m trying to find an answer again) there’s going to be many moments in life where I don’t feel great. Where I feel off. Scared, sad, lost. Those moments might be caused by one identifiable thing, or a whole tangle of things that are hard to pinpoint.

I used to think there was a perfect way to grieve. One I’d ignored, only causing myself pain and it was all my fault. I now know that’s not the case. Much of our reaction to grief is out of our control. I need to accept that this is the same for my mental health too - that if I feel bad it’s not a failing on my part. It’s not because I’ve failed to find a kind and understanding (and affordable) therapist, or because I skipped my last three yoga classes. It’s because that’s what life is like sometimes. I need to stop seeing myself as a problem to be solved.

That was a really roundabout way of telling you I’m sorry I missed Sunday’s newsletter! I wanted to come on, explain I wasn’t feeling myself and ask for advice on what you do when you feel off? As I’m feeling better now after spending yesterday afternoon curled up and watching TikTok’s of this woman narrate disgusting American food tutorials. I wanted to say it’s OK if your self-care doesn’t look like the internet says it should. But writing the above has also helped me, so I don’t mind if it’s gone a bit off piste. Also! Big news! I found my earbud. Things are going to be… OK.