Learning the 'language'

What's the kindest thing someone said or did for you during your grief process?

Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash

“You end up learning another language. A language of shared understanding and the knowledge of what to say.”

I thought that this idea - that grief gifts you the knowledge of another language (from Alanna Duffield’s guest post) was absolutely beautiful. She shared that when her grief overwhelms her she phones her friend Amy, who “speaks the language.”

“She doesn’t try to comfort me, or make suggestions. She sits there on the phone and, together, we are sad,” Alanna wrote.

I’m often asked, when something awful happens, for advice on what to say or do, for the person suffering. And, I must confess, I often feel hopeless as the answer is: “oh my God, that’s so shite. There’s very little you can do, but acknowledge how utterly shite that is.” Helpful, huh?! But most of the time there’s very little comfort to be found. People don’t want advice, they just want to be heard. Certainly when faced with grief no one wants to hear a ‘silver lining’ to their situation. That just makes them want to scream. Life is really unfair sometimes, we don’t always need to cherry coat it.

I’ll sometimes suggest practical things (when mum was ill we were given lots of pots of nourishing soup, which were both comforting and useful, as we were often too exhausted caring for her to cook) or suggest letting that person know that - whenever, whether it’s now, or in ten years time - you’ll be there for them to speak to. As, often, it can feel as if there’s a set timeline on grief… when that’s not how it works.

I also think it should never be underestimated the joy of not talking about the loss or hardship. I got so sick of people looking at me with sympathy, or constantly reminding me of my loss… and found myself feeling lighter and more relaxed around my friends who could still joke, or share stories of their days or some cracking gossip they heard. They’d feel guilty, as if they were shallow in the face of my darkness, but those moments of feeling a little like my old self again made such a difference.

But what I want to do is create a guide of practical, useful things to say/do when a friend or a loved one is going through grief. So I need your help! What’s some of the kindest words or actions you received through your grief? Or… get bitchy! What’s the worst thing someone did? What should we absolutely NOT do! Please comment below or you can private message me… I’ll compile them (and can make people anonymous if they need) and share in another newsletter.