Why do we label the people we've lost as 'angels'? It glosses over the reality of our lives... I talk to Sarah Tarlow, the author of The Archaeology of Loss about this and more...
Having lost both my parents, I have experienced a flooding of positive memories that lasted for years. With my dad, it was a good three years before I could remember negative things, despite knowing they were there. I think or memory floods us with positive to offset loss. But my true grieving--and healing--has been getting through the temporary onslaught of all the good and into the reality of balanced memories. But it takes time. And I also think if you lose a parent early or in unfair ways, as I did my mom, it can be even more common to deify instead of mourn both good and bad. My mom died 22 years ago and I’m just coming around to acknowledging her faults. My dad died 8 years ago and I’ve done a pretty thorough excavation of his good and bad. In contrast to my parents’ deaths, when I divorced my husband I was flooded with all the negative. Which I needed in order to follow through with divorce. Now, as I heal from the brutal divorce and more time passes and I can maintain distance and boundaries, I can occasionally access positive memories. I know they are there, too. Just like I knew the negative memories about my dad were there when I couldn’t access them. Just as I know there are negative memories about my mom I need to face. And eventually I hope to reintegrate my positive memories about my abusive ex. Because even though he was abusive, there were also positive memories. And I’d love to reclaim them eventually. But so far I haven’t had much luck.
Like you say, grief and the deceased are usually described in such reductive terms, which denies the multi-layered truth of both. I actually find it almost disrespectful to deny someone’s true humanity, which includes both the light and the dark, and reduce them to some perfect bland angelic presence. Equally, my experience of grief has been that it includes everything from despair to anger to joy to black humour, and sometimes all at once. Thank you, Catriona and Sarah for opening up this important conversation. ❤️
Having lost both my parents, I have experienced a flooding of positive memories that lasted for years. With my dad, it was a good three years before I could remember negative things, despite knowing they were there. I think or memory floods us with positive to offset loss. But my true grieving--and healing--has been getting through the temporary onslaught of all the good and into the reality of balanced memories. But it takes time. And I also think if you lose a parent early or in unfair ways, as I did my mom, it can be even more common to deify instead of mourn both good and bad. My mom died 22 years ago and I’m just coming around to acknowledging her faults. My dad died 8 years ago and I’ve done a pretty thorough excavation of his good and bad. In contrast to my parents’ deaths, when I divorced my husband I was flooded with all the negative. Which I needed in order to follow through with divorce. Now, as I heal from the brutal divorce and more time passes and I can maintain distance and boundaries, I can occasionally access positive memories. I know they are there, too. Just like I knew the negative memories about my dad were there when I couldn’t access them. Just as I know there are negative memories about my mom I need to face. And eventually I hope to reintegrate my positive memories about my abusive ex. Because even though he was abusive, there were also positive memories. And I’d love to reclaim them eventually. But so far I haven’t had much luck.
What an interesting read, thank you for sharing your thoughts
Like you say, grief and the deceased are usually described in such reductive terms, which denies the multi-layered truth of both. I actually find it almost disrespectful to deny someone’s true humanity, which includes both the light and the dark, and reduce them to some perfect bland angelic presence. Equally, my experience of grief has been that it includes everything from despair to anger to joy to black humour, and sometimes all at once. Thank you, Catriona and Sarah for opening up this important conversation. ❤️