hey!! I just came across this piece while searching about comparison. You were being extra cautious of how these thoughts will come across as. I find it fascinating because I also apologize a lot like that and it is maybe a sign of being fearful in a sense to me, that I am not confident. I am rarely confident. And I was comparing myself to this x in the gym and when I came back home, I started watching yt videos, started listening to banger music. I forgot about it and it felt so good, I thought I was relieved of the sensation and that comparison is meaningless. I am forcefully comparing myself, I don't really give a damn, I am just hyperfixated. I should just have fun, just find ways to do that and live because this doesn't matter. But after some time, after I stopped listening to music, a wave of sadness just hit me for no reason. I was about to declare today the best day of the year especially when I have been feeling su**idal in these past few days because I thought I'd never be good at my thing, I'll never get a job, I won't have money and today I thought that I may get a job but then someone from an elite school will get a much, much bigger paycheck and I will be the delusional guy for being happy. I dont deserve a career. Well, I just wanna have fun. Also I just saw that you write about grief. That's also a big thing that I search up a lot so thanks for that plus the whole comment section is full of people who run their own stuff :) Reading is definitely something that calms me down entirely and not as a stimulant. although I delay it always lol but nowadays I am trying my best to read more and more
Thanks for this honest perspective Catriona, the pressure feels real and then for a moment it becomes about what I want to write. I’m going to do my best to stay in that moment.
Couldn’t agree more. Just jumping in because I read your post last week and it’s been on my mind to message you about it ever since! Thank you for writing it. I felt every word. Your work has an impact. Xx
I am not joking at all when I say that I feel every single one of your words. At least you have a published book! I'm 3,000 words into a fiction piece that I would honestly burst into tears if I ever could get it formally published the way that you have. That's so incredible. I recently hit a subscriber goal and rather than feeling elated about achieving it, I felt the opposite — a feeling of "oh" and not really impressed that that was all I could do, while hundreds of other substack writers are celebrating massive successes. I sometimes want to give up, but I tell myself that I would probably regret giving up writer even more. It's not easy and I hope you keep writing, I enjoy reading your work.
I saw someone say the other day “you either give up or you keep going, both are painful so you may as well keep going” which I thought was a good way to think of it. Welldone for writing 3000 words and for reaching a Substack goal, I do think celebrating all the wins along the way is key. I didn’t do that with my book and then when it was released I felt this odd feeling as the success didn’t feel like how I thought it should, whereas I think if I’d have celebrated small along the way it would be different. Xxx
Oh I feel this piece so much. I’ve shrunk away from my Substack over the last few months, claiming work, life etc but reading this has made me wonder if it’s because it’s so much riskier than it was when I first started, a couple of years ago. So many more people to disappoint (still not that many, though) and then there’s all the ways I should be promoting it...it reminds me of when I got back into running, in my home town’s parkrun - it was brand new, and we were all just there, ambling along, chatting and moving our bodies. Then, it became a hive of PBs, I started getting fixated on my times and guess what? I didn’t enjoy it anymore and I haven’t been for years. Is it my issue? Probably. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Thanks so much Anna and I’m sorry to hear that the numbers etc have got to you too! Your running comparison MAKES TOTAL SENSE as I’m the same, anything that becomes competitive in that sense really puts me off, makes me quit etc. I do think realising what’s stopping us can help us start again (in writing I mean, not running). Lots of love and pen ink to you xxx
Like others I wanted to say thank you for writing this, although I can tell it’s painful. I have definitely had the same feelings and I think they’ve been very restrictive for me and I have only realised relatively recently that social media has stopped me from writing in an authentic way and has caused a block for me too. I always wrote as a child (way before social media) and enjoyed submitting to publications with some success. But I wonder if my constant consumption of social media has influenced my voice to be less authentic and more generic. I kind of got stuck between wanting to build a brand (like I guess you’re supposed to) but also resenting the feeling that I was restricted in what I could publish. The feeling of every tweet / insta post, blog article and even feature article (as it’s all online now) being judged with likes and comments feels too scary for me, too much like being watched, and has actually made me really self conscious about writing anything. I’m working to break through that and just focus on writing that brings me joy.
Sorry for long response but think what I’m trying to say is your post completely makes sense. Well done for all the writing that you are doing and hopefully writing your post will help you to move forward and break free from the comparisons. I enjoy your writing and judging from the comments so do lots of other people.
Thank you for your long and thoughtful comment. I am realising how common it is that social media can have this impact on our creativity, but it’s frustrating as I do also think it’s a great way to meet other writers and share our work. But it definitely also the case that the writing that is the most popular is also the pieces that appeal to the highest number of people which reduces authenticity. Glad to hear you’re also back to writing for joy! I would be if it wasn’t for the bug I caught straight after writing this! Lots of love x
Thank you for writing this. I totally get where you are coming from and I basically wanted to encourage you. I think there’s a danger of Substack just becoming another place for influencers where the few rise who are good at marketing and those who stay true to their writing selves struggle. Personally I am not that interested in the Observer’s top Substacks, I am interested in discovering good writing. Keep going and I’m going to read this again as I love how you process as you write. Thanks!
Thank you so much, your comment has been really helpful. You’re so right, there is a risk there and that’s something I’ve been thinking of, as another substacker messaged me saying she feels disheartened that they’re just championing the same old names, the ones who as you say have that marketing skill. But it doesn’t necessarily mean what readers want! I need to get better at searching for other Substacks and breaking out too and reading more xxx lots of love xxx
I feel many of the same things, and while I’m sorry you feel this way, as I know how uncomfortable it can be, it’s also a relief to know I’m not the only one!
The thing that helps me most - although I’m a less experienced writer - is to tell myself showing up here is writing practice - a chance to produce something that will get read by a small audience, and means something to a few of them.
Thank you. It’s funny as my dad and I have chats about our Substacks and what success looks like all the time and I always says “the fact that people read it and it helps some people even one or two each week means so much to me” and I mean it! But then I can get hit with a wave of comparison when more traditional successes are celebrated. And you’re right it’s so lovely to have a space where we can write what we want and be free and have fun etc, that’s what matters x
I really enjoyed your book. I sometimes beat myself up for being too “lazy” to write poetry/a novel/a script. But right now I’d rather be where I am - in the pub, with my dog, debating which pizza to order - than at my laptop tbh
Thank you! This is also it, after I basically threw all my spare time away to get the first book done I wanted to do more life/joyful things but then I find myself spiralling and not recognising that I don’t need to be achieving/growing/working ALL THE DAMN TIME. Endless circlesssssss
hey!! I just came across this piece while searching about comparison. You were being extra cautious of how these thoughts will come across as. I find it fascinating because I also apologize a lot like that and it is maybe a sign of being fearful in a sense to me, that I am not confident. I am rarely confident. And I was comparing myself to this x in the gym and when I came back home, I started watching yt videos, started listening to banger music. I forgot about it and it felt so good, I thought I was relieved of the sensation and that comparison is meaningless. I am forcefully comparing myself, I don't really give a damn, I am just hyperfixated. I should just have fun, just find ways to do that and live because this doesn't matter. But after some time, after I stopped listening to music, a wave of sadness just hit me for no reason. I was about to declare today the best day of the year especially when I have been feeling su**idal in these past few days because I thought I'd never be good at my thing, I'll never get a job, I won't have money and today I thought that I may get a job but then someone from an elite school will get a much, much bigger paycheck and I will be the delusional guy for being happy. I dont deserve a career. Well, I just wanna have fun. Also I just saw that you write about grief. That's also a big thing that I search up a lot so thanks for that plus the whole comment section is full of people who run their own stuff :) Reading is definitely something that calms me down entirely and not as a stimulant. although I delay it always lol but nowadays I am trying my best to read more and more
I massively relate to this!! Thank you for writing this, it’s made me beat myself up a little bit less (this week at least! 🫠)
Thanks for this honest perspective Catriona, the pressure feels real and then for a moment it becomes about what I want to write. I’m going to do my best to stay in that moment.
The moment when we are writing and in the flow is so amazing, we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that x
Couldn’t agree more. Just jumping in because I read your post last week and it’s been on my mind to message you about it ever since! Thank you for writing it. I felt every word. Your work has an impact. Xx
I am not joking at all when I say that I feel every single one of your words. At least you have a published book! I'm 3,000 words into a fiction piece that I would honestly burst into tears if I ever could get it formally published the way that you have. That's so incredible. I recently hit a subscriber goal and rather than feeling elated about achieving it, I felt the opposite — a feeling of "oh" and not really impressed that that was all I could do, while hundreds of other substack writers are celebrating massive successes. I sometimes want to give up, but I tell myself that I would probably regret giving up writer even more. It's not easy and I hope you keep writing, I enjoy reading your work.
I saw someone say the other day “you either give up or you keep going, both are painful so you may as well keep going” which I thought was a good way to think of it. Welldone for writing 3000 words and for reaching a Substack goal, I do think celebrating all the wins along the way is key. I didn’t do that with my book and then when it was released I felt this odd feeling as the success didn’t feel like how I thought it should, whereas I think if I’d have celebrated small along the way it would be different. Xxx
Thank you for sharing that quote. I’ve written it down and will keep it as a reminder to keep going. x
Oh I feel this piece so much. I’ve shrunk away from my Substack over the last few months, claiming work, life etc but reading this has made me wonder if it’s because it’s so much riskier than it was when I first started, a couple of years ago. So many more people to disappoint (still not that many, though) and then there’s all the ways I should be promoting it...it reminds me of when I got back into running, in my home town’s parkrun - it was brand new, and we were all just there, ambling along, chatting and moving our bodies. Then, it became a hive of PBs, I started getting fixated on my times and guess what? I didn’t enjoy it anymore and I haven’t been for years. Is it my issue? Probably. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
P.S. for what it’s worth, I love your Substack. X
Thanks so much Anna and I’m sorry to hear that the numbers etc have got to you too! Your running comparison MAKES TOTAL SENSE as I’m the same, anything that becomes competitive in that sense really puts me off, makes me quit etc. I do think realising what’s stopping us can help us start again (in writing I mean, not running). Lots of love and pen ink to you xxx
Like others I wanted to say thank you for writing this, although I can tell it’s painful. I have definitely had the same feelings and I think they’ve been very restrictive for me and I have only realised relatively recently that social media has stopped me from writing in an authentic way and has caused a block for me too. I always wrote as a child (way before social media) and enjoyed submitting to publications with some success. But I wonder if my constant consumption of social media has influenced my voice to be less authentic and more generic. I kind of got stuck between wanting to build a brand (like I guess you’re supposed to) but also resenting the feeling that I was restricted in what I could publish. The feeling of every tweet / insta post, blog article and even feature article (as it’s all online now) being judged with likes and comments feels too scary for me, too much like being watched, and has actually made me really self conscious about writing anything. I’m working to break through that and just focus on writing that brings me joy.
Sorry for long response but think what I’m trying to say is your post completely makes sense. Well done for all the writing that you are doing and hopefully writing your post will help you to move forward and break free from the comparisons. I enjoy your writing and judging from the comments so do lots of other people.
Thank you for your long and thoughtful comment. I am realising how common it is that social media can have this impact on our creativity, but it’s frustrating as I do also think it’s a great way to meet other writers and share our work. But it definitely also the case that the writing that is the most popular is also the pieces that appeal to the highest number of people which reduces authenticity. Glad to hear you’re also back to writing for joy! I would be if it wasn’t for the bug I caught straight after writing this! Lots of love x
Thank you for writing this. I totally get where you are coming from and I basically wanted to encourage you. I think there’s a danger of Substack just becoming another place for influencers where the few rise who are good at marketing and those who stay true to their writing selves struggle. Personally I am not that interested in the Observer’s top Substacks, I am interested in discovering good writing. Keep going and I’m going to read this again as I love how you process as you write. Thanks!
Thank you so much, your comment has been really helpful. You’re so right, there is a risk there and that’s something I’ve been thinking of, as another substacker messaged me saying she feels disheartened that they’re just championing the same old names, the ones who as you say have that marketing skill. But it doesn’t necessarily mean what readers want! I need to get better at searching for other Substacks and breaking out too and reading more xxx lots of love xxx
I feel many of the same things, and while I’m sorry you feel this way, as I know how uncomfortable it can be, it’s also a relief to know I’m not the only one!
The thing that helps me most - although I’m a less experienced writer - is to tell myself showing up here is writing practice - a chance to produce something that will get read by a small audience, and means something to a few of them.
I love this substack & am very glad it’s here!
Thank you. It’s funny as my dad and I have chats about our Substacks and what success looks like all the time and I always says “the fact that people read it and it helps some people even one or two each week means so much to me” and I mean it! But then I can get hit with a wave of comparison when more traditional successes are celebrated. And you’re right it’s so lovely to have a space where we can write what we want and be free and have fun etc, that’s what matters x
I really enjoyed your book. I sometimes beat myself up for being too “lazy” to write poetry/a novel/a script. But right now I’d rather be where I am - in the pub, with my dog, debating which pizza to order - than at my laptop tbh
Thank you! This is also it, after I basically threw all my spare time away to get the first book done I wanted to do more life/joyful things but then I find myself spiralling and not recognising that I don’t need to be achieving/growing/working ALL THE DAMN TIME. Endless circlesssssss
Exactly! But you’ve already written one more book than most writers will