Love this piece Catriona! Resonates a lot with how I have felt about being queer over the years and that tension between what we're told we should want & what we want to want vs what we actually want. I'm still figuring out my thoughts on children, so lots of food for thought here - thank you for sharing :)
Thank you! My dad said she was thinking a lot, as a trans woman, about her own childhood and conditioning and what makes us 'good' and 'part of society'. And the thing is, the people pushing the agenda that our lives have to look a certain way are usually afraid of their own feelings, or have a financial investment in maintaining the status quo. Yet, we can know all of this and still absorb their toxic messaging. Lots of love xxx (oh and I was also unsure for years and found interviewing this woman helped: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a39257628/cant-decide-if-i-want-baby/) and learning that not everyone is sure sure x
I love that you’re talking about the grief of the life not lived. I’m also choosing not to have kids and feel this sometimes - I like to think of it as grief that we don’t get to lead many different lives. I’m happy with my choice (grateful to have the choice) AND I’m sad that I don’t get to lead a totally different life as well. Some of my friends who with kids tell me they feel that too and seeing it that way brings us closer, I think.
That's exactly what I've learned from writing about this subject over the years - that this isn't just a child-free feeling but also a universal one, shared by mothers too, who look at their choices and think: what if. It's so nice to open up and share those fears, particularly as I've found some communities can treat mothers and child-free as us vs them when actually we all have questions and wonder whether we're living our lives 'right' x
Thank you for this beautiful article. I could have written this myself - albeit less articulately. I'm 44, married to a wonderful man and child-free by choice but boy its as simple and as complicated as that. This Christmas was painfully hard ( we've moved from the UK to the States for a couple of years) and the holiday season was excruciatingly lonely, suddenly our chosen, full lives didn't seem so clever and despite pregnancy being literally the thing that scares me the most, I wanted to be either wobbling around with impending birth or have my kid running around, look at us and our family, we're part of society! It's so so hard and thank god it's over because now the feeling has mostly gone and I can manage (mostly) the grief (and relief) of not having kids. Hugs.
I actually wrote the bulk of this piece over the Christmas period as it really was when I was feeling it the most. I also get it at Easter time (which I wrote about here: https://catrionainnes.substack.com/p/an-easter-message) even though my friends with kids are like 'trust me, Easter is NOT FUN WITH KIDS, they're hopped up on sugar) but it is exactly how you said "look at us and our family, we're part of society!" I remember once carrying my friend's toy home one day and the whole time on the train I was like 'god I look like a mother, how good I must look!' which is such strange thinking and I knew it but couldn't stop. Hugs back x
Thank you very much for this Catriona - you articulated SO much of what I've been thinking over the years. I'm 43 and childfree and am incredibly happy I am. I'm also British-Indian and thus there's another layer there - my mother just cannot understand my life as a single child free woman in her 40s. I'm the first woman in my lineage to live such a life. There are always moments though especially around Christmas when I do wonder - should I feel sad I don't have my own child/children? With the current state of the world, I know I would have felt utterly anxious and scared if I did have them. In my heart and gut I feel very content in my choice and yet at the same time feel bad that I am so happy. So many complex feelings about this topic. It's so good to talk about it more. X
Love this piece Catriona! Resonates a lot with how I have felt about being queer over the years and that tension between what we're told we should want & what we want to want vs what we actually want. I'm still figuring out my thoughts on children, so lots of food for thought here - thank you for sharing :)
Thank you! My dad said she was thinking a lot, as a trans woman, about her own childhood and conditioning and what makes us 'good' and 'part of society'. And the thing is, the people pushing the agenda that our lives have to look a certain way are usually afraid of their own feelings, or have a financial investment in maintaining the status quo. Yet, we can know all of this and still absorb their toxic messaging. Lots of love xxx (oh and I was also unsure for years and found interviewing this woman helped: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a39257628/cant-decide-if-i-want-baby/) and learning that not everyone is sure sure x
I love that you’re talking about the grief of the life not lived. I’m also choosing not to have kids and feel this sometimes - I like to think of it as grief that we don’t get to lead many different lives. I’m happy with my choice (grateful to have the choice) AND I’m sad that I don’t get to lead a totally different life as well. Some of my friends who with kids tell me they feel that too and seeing it that way brings us closer, I think.
That's exactly what I've learned from writing about this subject over the years - that this isn't just a child-free feeling but also a universal one, shared by mothers too, who look at their choices and think: what if. It's so nice to open up and share those fears, particularly as I've found some communities can treat mothers and child-free as us vs them when actually we all have questions and wonder whether we're living our lives 'right' x
Definitely! You’re so wise 🧡
This is so good. I may have had kids, but I totally get the discomfort when what you want is not the thing you think you should want
There's just so much messaging everywhere, as to how we should behave and be, across the board. I think even in loads of ways we aren't even aware.
Thank you for this beautiful article. I could have written this myself - albeit less articulately. I'm 44, married to a wonderful man and child-free by choice but boy its as simple and as complicated as that. This Christmas was painfully hard ( we've moved from the UK to the States for a couple of years) and the holiday season was excruciatingly lonely, suddenly our chosen, full lives didn't seem so clever and despite pregnancy being literally the thing that scares me the most, I wanted to be either wobbling around with impending birth or have my kid running around, look at us and our family, we're part of society! It's so so hard and thank god it's over because now the feeling has mostly gone and I can manage (mostly) the grief (and relief) of not having kids. Hugs.
I actually wrote the bulk of this piece over the Christmas period as it really was when I was feeling it the most. I also get it at Easter time (which I wrote about here: https://catrionainnes.substack.com/p/an-easter-message) even though my friends with kids are like 'trust me, Easter is NOT FUN WITH KIDS, they're hopped up on sugar) but it is exactly how you said "look at us and our family, we're part of society!" I remember once carrying my friend's toy home one day and the whole time on the train I was like 'god I look like a mother, how good I must look!' which is such strange thinking and I knew it but couldn't stop. Hugs back x
Thank you very much for this Catriona - you articulated SO much of what I've been thinking over the years. I'm 43 and childfree and am incredibly happy I am. I'm also British-Indian and thus there's another layer there - my mother just cannot understand my life as a single child free woman in her 40s. I'm the first woman in my lineage to live such a life. There are always moments though especially around Christmas when I do wonder - should I feel sad I don't have my own child/children? With the current state of the world, I know I would have felt utterly anxious and scared if I did have them. In my heart and gut I feel very content in my choice and yet at the same time feel bad that I am so happy. So many complex feelings about this topic. It's so good to talk about it more. X
We all need to hold one anothers hand through life, it's hard enough as it is ❤️