How do I care less what others think of me?

I asked the self-assured for their advice...

I used to think that, by turning 30, I’d change - overnight and quite naturally - into someone different. “So what’s being in your thirties really like?” my 29-year-old self would quiz others, as if I was about to enter into another dimension, one where everything would look and feel entirely different.

The reply was often similar. “You just begin to care less what others think of you” or “you just don’t give a fuck any more.” I was someone who occupied my body as if it was an ill-fitting outfit. I often choked on my unspoken opinions. I cared, I really, really cared what others think of me. I was ready to shrug all of that off, mature into someone brand new.

I’m 37 now and… I’m still waiting.

If anything, I’m perhaps more anxious, more people pleasing than I was in my twenties. I could be being unfair on myself. I don’t have the same hang ups that I did back then but my people pleasing has morphed into a new form.

The curtain twitching, grass-on-your-neighbours, don’t-kill-your-granny attitude mixed with the constant rule-changing during lockdown left me within a state of panic. I remember once, when the pubs re-opened, wailing at my kitchen table that some influencer had told me (via her followers, though you’d think considering my tears she’d come to tell me off personally) that “we should all be imposing our own lockdown.” I desperately wanted to see my friends but felt pull-my-hair-out guilty about it. Ian was baffled by me. “Why do you care so much? You have to do what you think is right… not what [name redacted] tells you is right.”

This is where it all gets muddled. As I couldn’t answer him. Why did I care so much? Why couldn’t I figure out what was right for myself? Had I lost, somewhere along the way, my ability to view myself clearly? Do I now only view myself through the iPhone lens of others?

As, of course, this goes beyond lockdown… Instagram was invented 12 years ago. I can’t remember precisely when I got the app but it will have been in my late twenties. It was a more innocent time, one where I’d take a picture of rain soaked cobblestones, shove a Valencia filter on top, think it was incredibly arty and be pleased with my two or so likes. Over the years Instagram (and indeed all social media) has morphed into an entirely different beast. You don’t need me to tell you that. I also don’t have the space to go into how social media has fucked with our self-esteem. There have been entire books written on the subject. But I couldn’t write about my people pleasing without acknowledging that, of course, social media has played its part.

So, what form does my people pleasing take today? I initially struggled to answer that. I almost reached for my phone to ask my friends… and that, I realised, is the answer in itself. I turn to others for their opinions far more than I turn to myself. I often struggle with not-so-much writer’s block but a writer’s pause where I imagine what others could be thinking reading my words, and when I do that, the words themselves twist and morph into something ugly. (I’m doing it right now.) When I meet new people I pick and choose the parts of my personality that will make them like me, over how I’m actually feeling that day or what I want to talk about. I feel the glare of people looking at me, from all angles, a lot of the time. A comedian once followed me on Instagram and, upon seeing he viewed my stories, I - for weeks - tried to make jokes that he might find funny. None of them were funny.

I’m an attention seeking, people pleaser and… the irony is… this behaviour makes me like myself a lot less.

So…as I approach my forties can I shake off the expectations of others? Tune into what I feel and think above what others do? Do I even want that? After all, my people pleasing tendencies have got me this far. I’ve also never wanted to be the “casually cruel in the name of being honest” type. I enjoy making people happy (and yes, egotistically, I like when people like me)…

Is there a way to do both? I believe that our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness. But I also don’t think it’s healthy for me, or my relationships, to prize ‘being liked’ so far up my list. In my most ironic move yet… I decided to ask OTHERS FOR THEIR ADVICE. ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

Here’s what they had to say…

‘I now ask ‘do I like them? rather than ‘do they like me?’

“I used to really care what people thought of me. In my twenties I was really involved in the ‘scene’ and was out all the time. I took drugs, barely ate, smoked and drank loads. I had more new ‘friends’ than I could ever dream of. I was never short of male attention and looking back the very shallow foundations of myself were rooted in validation from others and were very appearance based. “I feel like shit but I look great,” was practically my mantra.

It took a really long time for things to change but they did eventually. I reached a point of burn-out with the partying. I took up running but damaged my hip, meaning I had to rest for six months. I was also on medication for depression and ongoing anxiety, as well as undergoing counselling and CBT.

Through all of this, over the next decade I gained 15kg, my friendships became more meaningful, particularly those I’d neglected for the more superficial and I began to invest in my interests - sewing and making jewellery. I cut ties with people who were bad for me and I began to consider what impact they had on my life, and self esteem. Taking that break helped me see things clearer and I have since rebuilt some of those relationships.

I moved from London to the countryside, almost exclusively wear second hand clothes, let it all hang out by the pool, cellulite and all and I’ve never been happier. I now ask “do I like them rather than do they like me?” I spend time doing things that I find enriching, rather than what it looks like in a picture. I realise that my memories, my experiences, my relationships, my health, my happiness are most important… and I’m the only one who can assess how they are going.

J

“You should be enjoying your life, not merely appearing to enjoy it.”

“We shouldn't be chasing achievements just to prove something to other people. If your motivations stem from a negative place, e.g.  ‘I’ll show them,’ or to make someone jealous, like an old enemy from school, and they're still occupying your headspace, then they've already won - because you’ve allowed them to have that long-lasting impact on you. Letting go of such trivial and damaging habits and training yourself out of that way of thinking is hugely liberating and has amazing effects on your confidence and happiness. You should be enjoying your life, not merely appearing to enjoy it. If you’re impressive, people will know, without you trying to impress them.

“There are some people, like friends and family who, of course, you should care what they think. But it's important to get in the habit of categorising when it’s beneficial/worthy of your time or, essentially, emotional self harm. If you are strict with yourself and don’t indulge those unhelpful feelings, and instead tell yourself: “I shouldn't care what this person thinks - and I’m NOT going to.” Eventually it will happen automatically." 

E

‘You have to find a balance’

“I think it’s hard to say you don’t care about anyone’s opinions. I care what certain people think but anyone who isn’t my close friend… I don’t give a shit. Particularly with superficial stuff, I think it’s other people’s problem.

It helps me to think in terms of situations rather than a blanket rule. I also practice a lot of positive self talk! I do also have a diagnosis of autism which probably helps me to not care in certain social situations. But if anyone says they don’t care at all what people think of them… I would tend to think they have narcissistic tendencies. Or they have been really hurt by others in the past. There has to be a balance. I think I can be a people pleaser at times but it’s when I want to be… and I want others to feel good.”

‘You need to value self respect over people thinking you’re cool’

“For me it’s about conviction in your own character and a commitment to (what I only learned recently) stoicism. You need to value nurturing self respect over people thinking you are cool, or rich, or being jealous of your life. I’m in no way saying I’m of perfect character but I spend a lot of time just thinking. Working on my values and what would make me proud of me, how I react to situations and what the root of feeling negative is, is that because it clashes with my values?

Joan Didion’s ‘On Self Respect’ has always been my favourite piece of writing because it’s a perfect description of what it means to make mistakes with dignity. “People with self respect know the price of things.” If you’re going to make a decision you know is wrong you can’t make excuses. That’s a little off topic but I think it’s at the core of not caring what people think, as it’s about valuing your own opinion.”

E

What do you think? I’ve got so much more to say on this topic. On what I’ve learned pondering it for this letter for the past few weeks. On the fact I even asked others for their advice on it! But this is already quite a long letter so I’ll save it for another time. Part two coming up soon (I was going to write ‘let me know if you want part two’ but I didn’t! I’m learning! I want to do part two so there will be a part two.)

Also, you’ll notice there’s little discussion of grief in this letter. This is a self-care style thing, it’s hard to write about grief every week. But don’t worry, I’m not straying away from why I set the letter up. But I will be writing about different, unrelated topics every now and then. Today’s is free but it’s going to be, from now on, additional content for my paid subscribers. So if that’s not you then please consider upgrading! Thank you!