AUDIO: The struggles of lockdown
It's World Poetry Day... how I began writing poems and a reading
I wonder what this newsletter would have looked like if I’d launched it in lockdown? Probably slightly chaotic. Definitely unhinged. I’d probably end up publishing a lot of stuff I’d live to regret. But… maybe people might have liked that. Maybe it would have kept me a little more sane.
I don’t think I could have. As I struggled to write anything long-form at all. But! What replaced my novel and article writing were all these little verses, hastily scribbled down in my notes app, that would pop into my brain. Later, I’d come to (hesitantly) call them poems.
The thing is, I’ve always slightly struggled with the intellectual side of writing. I’m not very good at studying structure, grammar… even writing this (tiny) list of how one (oooh one) might speak intelligently about writing is tough. I just write. If I try to examine how, or why, something works I stop. Imposter syndrome wrestles its way in and blocks my pen. Poetry tends to come with a lot of examining. Counting out lines, deciding what’s a sonnet etc etc etc and it scares me. I can see that, naturally, I have some skill when it comes to recognising what works and what doesn’t - like a story, or an article, the poem should end up somewhere different from where it began. I think… but truthfully, I don’t know!
What I do know is that poetry came to me when I needed it. I needed some way to translate how I was feeling and my brain was too scrambled, too preoccupied with fight-or-flight to write anything long. I started writing about my health, lockdown, my grief… I gained confidence in writing for myself rather than for a magazine audience. It undoubtedly paved the way for this letter. I’m very grateful for that.
So, in celebration of World Poetry Day and because so many of you related to this letter, here’s a poem (read above, and below) I wrote waaaay back in 2020 that still, pretty much, sums up how I feel three years on about that time…
What do you think? Also, I used to do these readings on Wednesdays but stopped as I didn’t want to clog out your inbox. If you liked it and want me to carry on, let me know. Also if I arranged a free-writing online prompt call to help us get creative together would you come? Or an online course on how to write about your life? Let me know! I am always looking for new things I can do with the Substack.
What? You actually enjoyed lockdown? Its peace? The lack of pressure? You didn't want to... Throw yourself into a pile of Thriving, willing bodies Not knowing whose mouth belongs to who? Did you want to track down that person? The one who said that thing to you, eight years ago That you never got over? Go find them? And deliver the perfect comeback? No? You must have wanted to jump in an illegal cab Scarf tied around your face and say "airport please!" Slap down a credit card and ask for a ticket to... Anywhere It's not like when I could, I did But I suddenly need everything I can't have Don't worry I won't act on it I'll sit quietly waiting While the adults play with lives Making rules that don't make sense Then changing their minds I'll be a good girl While my mind slowly unravels
Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. It really resonates with me and takes me back to how I was feeling at the time too, so thank you. On the other things, I would love to join for the prompts and writing.