AUDIO: Questions I'd ask

A reading of a poem and a question for you... what would you want to ask the person you've lost?

When I first started writing poetry, this piece (I still feel slightly wanky writing ‘piece’) was simply a result of free writing, and trying to explore some unanswered questions I have about my history. I read it above and have popped it below, for anyone without their headphones.

For those that don’t know, my dad is transgender and began her transition shortly after mum died. She’s so happy now and we have a wonderful relationship but the timing is also one I find interesting - and something dad and I plan on exploring soon in a joint newsletter (you can find her substack here) alongside some other collaborations. So the poem begins by delving into that, and then goes into some other thoughts I have.

I remember finding writing this poem so helpful. We have these ongoing relationships with our loved ones that carry on, but I think we don’t tend to nurture them. Imagining a conversation I could have with her felt important, in a small way. If you can I’d really recommend writing down some questions you’d like to ask your loved one (or ones). You can share them with me below in the comments, or just keep them to yourself. I don’t mind. It’s just, I’ve found, a way to keep that person - and the relationship you have with them - alive.

The family you left, we look different now…

Did you die 
So she could live? 
If you were still here, could she survive
In a body that didn't fit? 

Would you have asked her to?
Thinking of the world and what it thinks?

You didn't have to go
The family you left...
(I know. I know you didn't want to leave)
We look different now 
And it's OK 

Strangers get it
They even love us
Sometimes hate leaks through
In those moments... it doesn't feel for the better
But I promise you
It is.

Enough about us. What about you?
Were you like me? 
Did you want to live all of your lives 
All at once? 

Deciding one day to be this person
And another the next

Maybe that's what you're doing now
Exploring a path you didn't go down 
Making split second decisions all over again 
Seeing what would be different, if you went the other way

I found a list of yours once
All the things you wanted to achieve that year
So many remained unticked
I folded it up, shoved it inside a book
Eyes shut

But isn't it better?
To want, want, want
And never feel quite content
Than just remain as you are
Vaguely happy?
I don't know
What do you think?